Order at your own peril

Some time ago I went to a restaurant for dinner with a rather charming and very handsome corporate lawyer. I can’t remember exactly what I had (some kind of steak) but he ordered a huge serve of pork ribs. This surprised me for two reasons: one, he’d just finished telling me that some of the women he’d gone out with had had a problem with him being Jewish (not me, I’m too interested in the food – what exactly are matzo balls?) and two, he was wearing a white shirt and expensive-looking silk tie.

Maybe guys don’t mind so much but ribs are one those dishes, like spaghetti and noodle soup, that you end up wearing nine times out of 10. If you’re wearing white or silk, or trying to make a good impression, then Murphy’s Law demands that you slop at least one souvenir of the chef’s handiwork on your clothing before the end of the meal. The lawyer was toast.

Dripping sauces, slurpy strands of pasta and anything that needs to be peeled or gnawed at are a disaster waiting to happen when you’re trying to impress, be it on a date or, for that matter, at a business lunch. Even when a dish such as the ribs comes with a bib it’s still a no-no in my book – yes, it’ll protect your clothing but seriously, who looks suave with a sheet of absorbent paper tied around their neck?

Then there are all those “green” dishes such as tabbouli, seaweed salad, pesto and dolmades that have the propensity to stick between your teeth. Who hasn’t looked in the mirror at some point and noticed a piece of parsley from dinner, three hours before, lodged front ‘n’ centre?

Hopefully no one is shallow enough to ditch his or her date on the basis of a greasy stain or speckled smile, but it’s the sort of thing that can make you feel self-conscious for the rest of the night. Why risk it?

Canapés at functions and parties throw up a whole other set of challenges. Hands up who doesn’t know from experience that some items such as bruschetta are almost impossible to eat without losing half the topping, especially while juggling a glass, napkin and evening bag. If I don’t think I’ll be able to eat a canapé in one neat bite I usually find it safer to pass.

I’m not saying don’t eat ribs (why would I, they’re delicious) but maybe save them for those occasions when you’re among friends. And close to a bottle of pre-wash stain remover…